Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I wish you could order shots online.
ttyl tear gas
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
