Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
