i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
