she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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