My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
