I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize