you guys were way drunker than both of me
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
