I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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