god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
