Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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