Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
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So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
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Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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