Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
