Tell her she can't have a vagina
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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