Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
