I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think people are normalizing furries
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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