I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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