I love black thongs
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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