So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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