I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
