I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
