Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
