No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
