Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
