we made out on top of his cat.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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