She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
