my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize