She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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