I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
