Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
