dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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