matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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