no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
