You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
