I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
