If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
