phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
