You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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