thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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