i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
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