i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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