hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
