Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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