my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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