nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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