After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
