Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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