im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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