The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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