By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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