I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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