he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
