doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
