i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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