Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
