then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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