bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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