It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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