I smell stomach acid.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
