my phone needs a breathalizer
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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