It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
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I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
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I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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