My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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