So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
