I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
even my farts smell like vagina
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
