hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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