Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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