If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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